Buff the Vampire Slayer

Buff the vampire slayer
Stood blond and pale
And hunted by the dead of night
In a town called Sunnydale

      Handsome vampire Angel
      Loved that toughgirl Buff
      And brought her books and claddagh rings
      And other smitten stuff

Together they fought evil
As a most unusual team
Vampire slayer and vampire boy
Lived their forbidden dream

      Junior vampires perished
      Upon their stakes of pine
      Elder fiends were thrown off guard
      By their sarcastic lines

A vampire lives forever
But not so teenage girls
Chiseled brow and endless youth
Brought Angel fresh new worlds

      One dread day it happened
      Angel got his own hit show
      And Buff the vampire slayer
      Learned that she would lose her beau

She cried now on patrol
Through graveyards cold and damp
She hotly blamed Anne Rice
For making heroes out of vamps

      Without her undead friend
      Buff felt much less cool
      So Buff the mighty slayer
      Sadly finished up high school

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Dated Vampires

Dated vampires at the Bronze Club
Dated vampires dressing really tacky
Dated vampires in their disco clothes
Or with 60's 'fros, or gold chains

They were once hip with style
But they died and then their tastes just froze
Now they creep out of their fashion slum
With wide collars from another age

There's a punk one and a grunge one
And prep one and hippie one
And they're all dressed oh-so-very-tacky
That they just beg to be slain

So they hit on fashion misfits
Who can't calculate clothing's carbon-date
Ben & Jerry's, pretty scary
With DeBarge or Debbie G.

It's depressing how they're dressing
They don't make it far past clothes radar
Bleach and bangles get them strangled
By the Slayer and school elite

And there's new wave and Vanilla Ice
90210 and Miami Vice
And they're all stuck in their clothes so old
Tacky, dead, and cold, once the rage

Don't abolish vamp nail polish
And don't dissuade purple rasta braids
Or we can't tell who is dead or not
By who dresses hot or who's lame

There's a goth one and a glam one
And a hesh one and a rockabilly
And they're all dressed oh-so-very-tacky
That they just beg to be slain

So take care with what you wear
Or we might think you a demon type
Last year's labels could be fatal
When we judge fashion art

For your clothes skill's more than social
It's your passport to longevity
Missing trends costs more than friends
It might just stake your heart!

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They Call the Wind Ampata

Down in Peru they've got a name
For wind and fire and watah
Fuego's fire and agua's rain
But they call the wind Ampata

Ampata, Ampata...
They call the wind Ampata

Be careful lads when she blows in
She'll love you 'round the clocko
But her parched kiss will dry your skin
Like the desert's hot sirocco

Sirocco, Sirocco...
Like the desert's hot sirocco

She desiccates with warm sweet breath
She hates to, but she's gotta
Der Kindestodt drained babes to death
For teen boys, it's Ampata

Ampata, Ampata...
For teen boys, it's Ampata

Her hugs hold you like oven vents
And really cook your goose-oh
You'll surely need emollients
When that girl turns you loose-oh

Loose-oh, loose-oh...
When that girl turns you loose-oh

Beguiling gusts blow boys to her
Like lambies to the slaughtah
They don't know 'bout her sepulcher
Perhaps they really outta

Outta, outta...
Perhaps they really outta

All fluids she evaporates
Absorbs them like a blottah
Most girls need a few juicy dates
Ampata needs a lotta!

A lotta, a lotta...
Ampata needs a lotta!

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Cage of the Burning Sun

There is a cage in Sunnydale
Set in the burnin' sun
A solar oven for that poor little vamp
They called "Anointed One"

His mother died at vampire hands
When fangboys crashed their bus
His sire was the Master, lord
Before that man was dust

Now the only thing the Master did
Was drain blood from some girl
And vamp a kid in his fruitless bid
To raise hell in this world

His selfish plans to singe the earth
Depended on that son
And the only pleasure he got outta life
Was in killin' everyone

Oh mother, tell your children
Not to do as Anointed's done
End their lives writhing in agony
In the cage of the burning sun

With vampire teeth and vampire soul
But face of a little boy
His final thought as his skin got hot
Was "Rosebud," his airplane toy

All you who come to Sunnydale
Don't ride the bus, but run!
Lest you may land in vampire hands
And the cage of the burning sun

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The Lady Came from Sunnydale

The lady came from Sunnydale
She owned a gallery place
She joked with me that I was pale
I wore my human face

Chorus:

      I was sent to kill her daughter
      Drain her blood and run
      But I fell in love with Ms. Summers
      Came away with none

Though lady Joyce was always sweet
Her daughter killed my kind
Joyce didn't know what I must eat
It never crossed her mind

Chorus

She locked her house doors every night
To keep the dark things out
She never stopped to see it right
That's what I'm about

Chorus

Her daughter said I was a fiend
Who fed on people's blood
To Joyce I was a human being
I married her for love

Chorus

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The Cattle Hymn of the Republic

You won't believe how clueless
Is ol' Sunnydale High School
Seems that student deaths each Tuesday
Aren't exceptions, but the rule
And faculty take dives like
Lemmings leaping in a pool
But life goes strangely on...

Chorus:

      "Howdy girlfriend, how's your weekend?
      Guess what? Ashley just got eaten!
      I hope our stupid moms
      Still let us go to junior prom
      The chaperones are gone!"

Perhaps our filmic culture
Raised a jaded bunch of kids
For the Hellmouth seems quite tame
Compared to Kevin W. vids
By showing pure Wes Craven
Of their shock you can get rid
Youth bred to feed upon!

Chorus

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The Vampires' Harvest  (Lyrics by Jesse Jou)

(To the tune of "The Teddy Bears' Picnic")

If you go down to the Bronze tonight
You're sure of a big surprise
If you go down to the Bronze tonight
You probably won't survive

For ev'ry vamp that ever there was
Will gather there for certain, because
Tonight's the night the Vampires have their Harvest

Ev'ry Vampire who's been bad
Is sure of a treat tonight.
There's lots of marvelous guys to eat
And wonderful girls to fright!

They make us bleed and nobody sees
And stalk and sneak as long as they please
'Cause that's the way the Vampires have their Harvest

Harvest time for Vampires
The evil Vampires are having a sinister time tonight
Watch them, catch them unawares
And hope that Buffy stops the Master's rise

See them gaily run amuck
They love to bite and suck;
They never have any care;

At twelve o'clock the Vessel and Darla
Will take them to the Bronze,
Because they're hungry little Vampires.

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The Hubba-Hubba Mantis Girl  (Lyrics by Jesse Jou)

(To the tune of "The Boogie-Woogie Bugle Boy")

She's got a crazy yen for Virgin No. 3
His name is Xander Harris and he's really keen
But she's hungry now
Needs some human seed
Doesn't matter how she gets it
Even killed Dr. G.

Chorus:

      She's in the Hellmouth now
      On a killing spree
      She's the Hubba Hubba Mantis Girl and Innocent 3

She dressed in basic black and said to Number 3
"You couldn't be a virgin, now couldja be?"
He downed his martini
Said he loved Buffy
Doesn't matter now; she's got him
Wouldn't want to be he

Chorus

Buffy broke the window just in time to see
How intimate the Mantis Girl and Xander would be
But she'd stop her now
'Fore he was a daddy
Doesn't matter. Wow, she killed it
With that sharp machete

Chorus

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Harvest Time

Harvest time
And the feedin' is easy
Hearts are pumpin'
And blood pressure is high

Ol' Master's strong
And young Darla's good lookin'
So hush, dear Anointed
Don't you cry

One of these evenin's
You're gonna rise from your coffin
You'll grow your fangs
Sweet blood for to try

But till that evenin'
Ain't no slayer gonna harm you
Not with Master and Darla
Standin' by

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Slayertime

Slayertime
And the dead are uneasy
Stakes are thumpin'
And the dust's pilin' high

Ol' Giles he's smart
And young Buff moves like lightnin'
So hush missy Cordy
Don't you cry

One of these evenin's
You're gonna stop all your screamin'
You'll fight beside 'em
Not afraid you might die

But till that evenin'
Ain't no vamp gonna bite you
Not with Giles and Buffy
Standin' by

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Buffygirl's Town

Come hear a tale of a clueless town
A burg that hasn't learned
Where kids die nearly every night
And no one seems concerned

One girl is an unsung hero there
Her Watcher sharp but shy
They save the whole world every week
And no one bats an eye
And no one bats an eye

The vampires started getting rough
The girl was barely trained
If not for the courage of her fearless squad
The whole town would be drained
The whole town would be drained

Their school's atop this gaping mouth
Of hell, so don't look down!
With Buffygirl, her Watcher too,
The Xanderman, Willow dear,
The Pagan Gal,
Cordelia and Angelman
Here in Buffygirl's Town!

Now this is the tale of the Slayerettes
Resigned to their thankless task
Snubbed by the snobs to do a job
For which they didn't ask

The Slayer and her Watcher too
Will risk their lives sans fear
To keep the streets swept free of creeps
For Homecoming this year

No guns, just stakes and crossbow bolts
Medieval weaponry
Like the Spanish Inquisition
It's primitive as can be

So join us at the Bronze my friends
You're sure to get a date
Just hope that Buffy stakes it quick
Before it is too late!

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The Buffy Bunch

Here's the story
Of a girl named Buffy
Who once longed for every simple teenage thrill
Dating, leading cheers,
Avoiding dying
Not dressing just to kill

Here's the story
Of her mentor Giles
Who once hoped he'd fly a plane or run a store
Hopes dashed long ago
When daddy told him
"You're watching, read your lore!"

Giles reminded doubting Buffy of her duty
Xander, Willow, and she must do more than lunch!
Their small group
Should form a vampire swat-team
They weren't lame, so they became the Buffy Bunch

The Buffy Bunch
No time to munch!
Teen blood ran, so they began the Buffy Bunch!

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Barney's Vampire Initiation Song

I suck you
You suck me
It's a whole big sucking thing
With a great big bite
And some blood to me from you
Won't you sample my blood too?

Come downstairs
What a thrill!
How come grownups say we kill?
It's a drinking game
And we'll show you how it's played
It's how all our pals are made!

You're real swell!
Time to see
My whole vampire family
Just a few swapped drops
And you'll never grow again
You'll be our eternal friend!

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Bloodsucker Street

Sexual Night
Makin' my soul take flight
No guilt now
There's nothing I can't eat

It's a pleasure to be back
To be back on Bloodsucker Street!

Come and play
Everyone's DOA
Former neighbors here
Transformed to meat

It's a pleasure to be back
To be back on Bloodsucker Street!

It's a most ironic trick
Love can turn me to a "dick"
But who's complainin', it worked
Yeah, who's complainin'
I'm a total jerk!

For old friends
I plan sadistic ends
First their families
Then their blood so sweet

It's a pleasure to be back
To be back on Bloodsucker Street!

It's a most peculiar curse
'Cause compassion made me worse
But who's complainin', I'm free!
Yeah, who's complainin'
'Twas a wonderfully...

Sexual Night
Makin' my soul take flight
No guilt now
There's nothing I can't eat

It's a pleasure to be back
To be back on Bloodsucker Street!

To be back on Bloodsucker Street!

To be back...

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